Actual Xmas Balls
Xmas Balls in the Twenty-First Century!: A Joint Sutro Tower/ Project

Raison d'être:

Inspired by an online group conversation, "XMAS BALLS in the Twenty-First Century" is a modern, "new" movie concept based upon the 1988 Sutro Tower Video movie, "Xmas Balls." (Note: if you don't have it or haven't seen it, it is not available on Netflix, nor likely ever to be; so TRY HERE.)

Originally I thought these web pages might provide inspiration for an updated video version of "Xmas Balls," but why challenge perfection?

The easiest way to follow the evolution of this project, my obsession that lasted several days a few years ago (2004), is to read the story and go through the pages chronologically. However, a full listing of pages with links is below.

The revised "Xmas Balls" takes place in the not-to-distant present. Patriot Act 56 passed both houses of Congress last year, requiring computer tracking chips to be implanted into all African-American citizens, as they have been determined to be one of the 12 big terrorist groups that pose a threat to the "freedoms" of the United States. But the worst of the 12 groups is the notorious Middle East/South American "Al Coffee."

During the new "Age of Enlightenment" which began during the Ronald Reagan regime in the United States, mostly because corporate mergers were in vogue, Jesus Christ Inc. And Santa Claus Inc. had merged into one genetically modified holiday megacorp named "Jesus Claus, the Santi-Christ." One thing this merger helped do was keep the religious symbolism of the Xmas season intact during the really important parts of the season, when we love to do our shopping, shopping, and last minute shopping. (But woe, who could have foreseen the present economic collapse that keeps us out of our stores?)

By 2004, when this was created, not all was well in this New Age of Enlightenment. Terrorists were on everybody's doorstep. And they even had the gall to attack the North Pole, where the ice grew thinner day by day.

Again, it is recommended to start at the beginning and proceed in chronological order. Otherwise it will be too easy to get lost. Any resemblance to real world events is coincidental and just plain silly, of course.

Pages in this section:

  1. The American Courier: Jesus Claus Abducted!
  2. Inge Belle Weinachtel, Holiday Inn Lounge Singer in Dresden
  3. Actual Xmas Balls
  4. Sutro Tower, San Francisco's Ugliest Landmark, Decorated
  5. Xmas Inc., The Main Toy Factory of Jesus Claus
  6. Mrs. Jesus Claus, The Wife
  7. 2003: Jesus Claus Jr., Eaten by the Abominable Snowman
  8. A Modern Suburban Xmas Scene
  9. Audrey Lewellyn-Humplespeare's Condolence Card
  10. Charles Epworth's Condolence Card
  11. Gina Stringle's Condolence Card
  12. Inge Belle Weinachtel's Condolence Card
  13. Maggie Norton's Condolence Card
  14. Rusty Dix's Condolence Card
  15. Samantha Stuart's Condolence Card
  16. Timothy Houseman's Condolence Card
  17. Terrorism Campaign Posters - Prone Woman on the Steps
  18. Terrorism Campaign Posters - The French Connection
  19. Terrorism Campaign Posters - Santa Under Fire
  20. Carmenne de la Peroni
  21. The Churl Gippsen Interview With Mrs. Claus and Duttrock the Elf
  22. A Message from Roger Forthcoming of Fatherland Security Inc.
  23. Fatherland Security's 12th Most Wanted Terrorist Organization: The Russians
  24. Fatherland Security's 11th Most Wanted Terrorist Organization: Gary Al Condit
  25. Fatherland Security's 10th Most Wanted Terrorist Organization: Al Tonia Hearst
  26. Fatherland Security's 9th Most Wanted Terrorist Organization: Al Tonya Harding
  27. Fatherland Security's 8th Most Wanted Terrorist Organization: Al Adolf Hitler
  28. Fatherland Security's 7th Most Wanted Terrorist Organization: Al Big Boy
  29. Fatherland Security's 6th Most Wanted Terrorist Organization: Timothy Al McVeigh
  30. Fatherland Security's 6th Most Wanted Terrorist Organization: Al Gilligan and Al Ginger
  31. Fatherland Security's 4th Most Wanted Terrorist Organization: Scott Al Peterson
  32. Fatherland Security's 3rd Most Wanted Terrorist Organization: African-Americans
  33. Fatherland Security's 2nd Most Wanted Terrorist Organization: The French
  34. Fatherland Security's Most Wanted Terrorist Organization: Al Coffee
  35. Posters From the War Against Terror: Don't Chatter
  36. Posters From the War Against Terror: Negroes
  37. Posters From the War Against Terror: Home Poster, Suitable for Framing
  38. Xmas is Canceled: Eat My Body, Drink My Blood, Play With My Toys
  39. Patriotic Media Whore, Churl Gippsen
  40. Hans Dieter Grübakker's Condolence Card
  41. Marcia O. Dulphinia's Condolence Card
  42. Alicia de la Tango de la Gaucho's Condolence Card
  43. Juliette Gendarmie's Condolence Card
  44. Pedro Luis Ramone Altavista's Condolence Card
  45. Nicola LaBerge's Condolence Card
  46. Buzz Sheldon's Condolence Card
  47. The American Courier, Page 10
  48. Al Coffee is Always Brewing Up Something New
  49. Yuric Crystal and His One Big Ball
  50. Miss Liberty to Be Blown Up
  51. 1984 Magazine Article Regarding the Merger of Jesus and Santa
  52. 1985 Magazine Ad
  53. Early Morphing Attempts with Jesus, Santa
  54. Clair Angel Suggests the Final Version of Jesus Claus
  55. Environmental Catastrophe with the Snowmen
  56. Stop the Wallaby Relocation
  57. Terrorist Action in Hudson Bay, 2002
  58. Rusty Dix's Video Condolence Card, Final Solution
  59. The American Courier Today, October 27: Ransom Demanded!
  60. The American Courier Today, October 27, Page 2
  61. Live Performance from the Lounge of the Dresden Holiday Inn
  62. Special Edition of the American Courier
  63. Mrs. Claus Under Protective Custody
  64. What Germans Forget!
  65. The Godlian Courier, October 30, 2004
  66. The New Statue for New York
  67. Country Team Line Up: North America
  68. World Xmas Lineup
  69. The Liberty Blow Up
  70. Our New Flag
  71. Santi-Christ, Jesus Star, the Musical Comedy
  72. Mt. Bushmore, New Look, New Name, New World Order
  73. Update on the Red Sox
  74. The Godlian Courier, November 1, 2004
  75. Preview Trailer from Santi-Christ, Jesus Star
  76. The Godlian, November 1, Page 2
  77. The Godlian Courier, November 1, Page 3

One further link, not part of this experience, will lead you to the information page for the original Xmas Balls video (1988).