Mrs. Claus and Duttrock the Elf, Interviewed

As reported by Churlie Gippsen of "Good Whoring America"

[2009 Update: Churl left Good Whoring America in 2006 and now reads the Evening Spews]

Churl Gippsen
Duttrock, the Elf
Mrs. Jesus Claus

Churl Gippsen is a commentator, announcer, and oft-times interviewer on the popular American morning wake up program/reality show, "Good Whoring, America." He recently interviewed Mrs. Claus at her home in the North Pole where she sped immediately after the abduction of Jesus Claus from his offices on Tuesday. Mrs. Claus had been in Jerusalem, where the Claus family keeps their religious residence, and where she was attending a religious festival in honor of her husband.

(Religion has been an important part of the Claus family life ever since the merging of St. Nicholas and Jesus many years ago, in fact Mrs. Claus once commented it was nearly as important as shopping was to her.)

Churl:
We're here today at the North Pole with with Mrs. Claus, the wife of Mr. Jesus Claus, and with the North Pole Elf, Duttrock, who works for the Xmas Company and was the trusted companion of Mr. Claus. Duttrock happened to be in the executive office of the Santi-Christ when the terrorists, thought to be from Al Coffee, forced their way into the building and spirited Mr. Claus away to locations so far unknown. The authorities have no leads in this case as of this morning.
First I'd like to speak to you, Duttrock. Could you tell me exactly what happened on Tuesday?

Duttrock:
I was in Jesus's office, and we heard the outer gate open, and nobody should have been there at that time in the afternoon so it was very strange, but there is so much activity here this time of year it's hard to follow everything, even though it is very cold.
Then we heard footsteps, but still no alarm went off. I just don't know what went wrong with our famed Yuleland Security, it's supposed to be so terrorist-proof after all the money we've poured into it.

Churl:
Yes, terrorism is a world-wide problem. Did you see the actual terrorists when they got into the offices?

Duttrock:

Yes, they were big and strong, and wore masks, and had on heavy winter clothing like people wear in the north of down south. I'm just an elf, I'm not big, I'm not very strong compared to those giants. Like so many of them, I noticed they smelled really bad, we elves often say it is like dead inchworms.
There was nothing I could do. Really there wasn't. They struck him, two of them picked him up, and then they stuffed him into his own toy bag and carried him away.
I tried to stop them, but one of them hit me in the eye with his fist and then they struck me in the head; I passed out. I woke up later in the infirmary.

Churl:
How many of these terrorists were there?

Duttrock:
At least five that I saw…

Churl:
Mrs. Claus, I realize what a trying this time must be for you right now, and I thank you for taking the time out to talk with us, as the whole world shares your grief and anxiety at this point. Mr. Jesus and you are such important celebrities throughout the world, so of course we feel for what you feel and grieve when you grieve.
So, if you possibly could, would you tell us how terrible you really feel? I'm wondering, are you terrified that your husband may be beheaded by the terrorists, as some have suggested? What do you think about that, and about beheading, for that matter?>
Have you ever been so emotionally drained at any other time of your life, and if so, what possibly could have been the circumstances that caused such distress?

Mrs. Claus:
Uh, oh, yes, I'm very upset. I haven't sleep more than a wink. You know my child, Little Jesus, was killed by a roaming abominable snowman last year, and that was so terrible, we're not over that, then the stress at the toy business was a lot as sales were down and we were worried we might lose the factory due to globalization, and now this has happened to my husband.
Terrorists, please give me back my husband! We need him, we want him here, you don't know what to do with him. He needs medicine. He needs to be home with the people who love him. (sob sob) He needs to take his pills, they're required, he's such a dependent Mr. Claus, and we love him! We want you back.

Churl:
Thank you Mrs. Claus. We hope the terrorists are listening, and they have a heart on some level or another, although generally only the worst possible things happen in situations like this, when people like those terrorists are involved, so we hope you prepare yourself emotionally, and we hope you will allow us to continue interviewing you even if the worst case does chance to happen and you have to watch his beheading on television a few hundred times.
Be assured, the world also does want to watch you as well as the beheading, because you are one of our very favorite women, and we suffer with you throughout all your trials, and tragedies, and the sobbing we see when we see you.

Mrs. Claus:
Uh, yes, I…

Churl:
On some level or another, even if you are too upset presently to realize it, I imagine you feel lucky that you were not here, but in Jerusalem at the International Santi-Christ celebration when this abduction happened. I'd like to know what you think about that. Do you imagine if you'd been at the North Pole, the terrorists would have captured you as well and eventually beheaded you along with your husband? Have you thought about that yet, or have you not had time to ponder other possibilities during this sad and stressful time when you are so depressed that we can really only imagine what must be going through your head as we watch you on the verge of this emotional and physical breakdown. It's OK if you want to cry or scream. We really do understand at times like this.

Mrs. Claus:
Uh, I, uh,…

Duttrock:
Santi-Christ, if you can hear me, I want you to know we're all pitching in and working overtime. The factory will be just fine.

Churl:
Oh, Duttrock, that brings up another point. It's been said, by those in the know, that this tragedy will spell the end of Xmas Inc. Industries, that your corporate inability to change with the times, to downsize, mixed with the cost of Elf labor compared to that in China, will spell the end of all of Elf civilization and culture on the North Pole and, well, essentially that means on the whole Earth, for that matter, doesn't it? Do you have other plans for survival if Christmas should fold and cease to happen? What are your feelings on that? Are elves soon to be a extinct in the world?

Duttrock:
Uh, I'm just an elf who,….

Mrs. Claus:
We've heard these rumors before. Our elves are happy with us. That's always been the case and we take care of them…

Churl:
Oh, sorry to interrupt you, but a breaking report is coming in from somewhere else. Thank you for taking the time out of this hectic tragedy to tell the world how terrible your lives are, Duttrock and Mrs. Claus. We'll keep our cameramen there, in case anything terrible should happen with those evil terrorists.