After brandy, Xmas Eve, poetry time.
Dialing 9-1-1 to stop the Xmas Eve invader from gaining entry to the apartment.
My note to Santa repeatedly mentioned my angst over earthquakes (as the Loma Prieta Earthquake had been only several months previous).
"The Night Before Xmas" was a short video Christmas card for friends to watch during the Xmess season of 1989.
My disdain for Christmas is legendary. Or something less dramatic.
The short starts out with me, drunk, with brandy, telling my own version of "The Night Before Christmas." In this version, an invader insists on entry to my uncleaned up apartment and laughs and makes fun of it on his way out. A letter to Santa repeatedly asks for big items and "no earthquakes!", a reference to the recent quake of 1989 that was several months previous.
The 2011 update for DVD included new titles.
'Twas the night before Christmas,
and I was a mess,
I opened my package,
and only found Crest.
My shirts in the closet
needed ironing you see.
But I was drained wholly,
from the season's festivity!
When what should I hear,
but my buzzer going off!
So I cowered and I hid
in my sanctum, my loft.
I locked all the doors
and I prayed for a lull.
And I hoped the intruder
would leave me no coal!
When the buzzer continued,
I dialed 9-1-1,
And I hoped the cops chasing him,
would make him run.
But he poured throw the faucets
and into my sink,
And he spoke of my cat box,
and how it did stink!
And I heard him exclaim,
as he went out of sight,
"Ha, ha ha! What a pit!"
"This apartment's a fright!"
This year I want two electric train sets and NO earthquakes, make the electric train sets H-O scale, please, and NO earthquakes, and five G.I. Joes so I can have a war and pretend I'm in Central America with a whole division of American troops, and NO earthquakes, and a 5 million dollar lottery ticket, and NO earthquakes, and a new house, and two cars, and NO earthquakes, and seven toy trucks, and NO earthquakes…
Videos with an asterisk (*) are available for viewing courtesy of the Internet Archive.
The Detaxilification of Quemalt Aite (1992)
(sketched out: never produced)
The Last Time Dennis Saw Iowa (2005)
(see also: "Red Meat and Red Jell-O")
►The Night Before Xmas (1989)
Sturm in der Deutschstunde (1992)
A Tour of San Francisco (1987)
(the very first "movie")